From Wounds to Scars

“Why?” is pos­sibly the most power­ful ques­tion in the world. It starts as a young child…“why is the sky blue?”  It indi­ca­tes our starts into the jour­ney of inquiry.  Our intent is to learn and unders­tand the world around us.  While it starts with inno­cence in our youth it comes to a roi­ling boil when we pause as adults to look where we are stand in our lives.

• Why do I strug­gle with this?
• Why did my father leave when I was a child?
• Why was I physically/sexually/emotionally abused?
• Why did so-and-so have to die?
• Why has my ship not come in?
• Why did God not ans­wer my prayers?
• Why did my little boy die at age eight?
• Why was I raped?
• Why was I fired?
• Why was I cheated?
• Why did my spouse cheat on me / leave me?

Why? Why? Why? can be the most dif­fi­cult ques­tion one ever seeks to ans­wer.  I, your hum­ble blog­ger, can­not even fathom an ans­wer to the ques­tions you pos­sess but maybe, just maybe, this post can give you some hope in the midst of such ambiguity.

We must let go of the “why?” because it holds us hos­tage to wha­te­ver that cir­cums­tance is or was. Sure it is easier-said-than-done and for a great many of us requi­res a lot of time, pra­yer, and pain­ful intros­pec­tion.  And we must ack­now­ledge that the pro­cess of let­ting go and relea­sing it to God usually is not a one-time shot.  It can take time, a lot of time.  Some of the trees we find in our forest are small and require a sim­ple swing of the axe.  Others tower before us like the Red­woods of northern Cali­for­nia and we may spend a life­time swin­ging that axe.  But swing the axe we must.

We must be OK with such ambiguity…meaning that we may never, in our life­time, find a sui­ta­ble ans­wer to our par­ti­cu­lar “Why?”. Yet I am con­vin­ced we can move through and beyond much of the strug­gle.  So many times we get caught up in pic­king the scab and nur­sing the wound that it never heals.  The key is to let it heal so that it beco­mes a scar.    Scars are not bad things, they are a sign that we have lived through good and bad and they we per­sist in moving forward.

Many of us have scars from past extra­va­gan­ces, lousy deci­sions, and things outside our con­trol.  Let me use phy­si­cal scars for a moment to illus­trate.  I have a small scar on my chin where I took a knee to the face pla­ying intra­mu­ral flag foot­ball in college.  Usually it stays hid­den behind my goa­tee; currently just a soul patch.  Somewhat self-inflicted and yet out of my con­trol.  I zig­ged when he zag­ged and the damage was done.  How many times has that hap­pe­ned in your life?

Then there is the five inch scar on my thigh where a bone tumor was exci­sed when I was a tee­na­ger.   I did not ask for it, I did not do anything to get it, but it sho­wed up as leg pain in the middle of the night. I was too young to rea­lize the risk of “can­cer” but it ratt­led my parents to the core.  Clearly, not within my con­trol.  Thank­fully it was not can­cer but today that scar gives me a story to tell.

That is the thing about scars, they all come with a story…and always a story of hea­ling. Only when we release the pain, shame, and guilt that hides behind the “why?” can we begin to heal.  In our human frailty we must turn to God for that is where find hea­ling.  Sadly, a great many peo­ple allow the “Why?” to turn them away from God doo­ming them to carry those open wounds for a lifetime.

Let the wounds heal and become scars…for you sake…and those around you that love you.

P.S.  I am a big belie­ver in pro­fes­sio­nal coun­se­ling because most of us do not have the tools or skills neces­sary to pro­cess the deep wounds.  I encou­rage you to reach out.   For the record: coun­se­lors won’t have the ans­wers but they can guide you along the jour­ney and equip you to walk through the hard places.

Addi­tio­nally, ope­ning up to one (or a few) close friend helps immen­sely.  This prin­ci­ple lies behind why we star­ted The Conc­lave last fall.  It is a place where woun­ded men can come and be woun­ded and not be jud­ged.  We don’t pro­fess to having ans­wers but we offer sup­port, encou­ra­ge­ment, gui­dance and, most impor­tantly, non-judgmental accep­tance.  Hea­ling comes through open­ness because it for­ces us to ack­now­ledge our own powerlessness.